… she's not coming down 'til it all makes sense again…




Wish this pic were less blurry, because this shows my goony dog in her true element: Bliss. Snoozing upside-down with a big dopey grin on her face.

Bliss has been on my mind. There are some people  in my life and in my space I wish I could dump some daggone BLISS onto.  

The Boy isn’t one of them. The Boy has found his bliss. Anything that involves making fun of his mother is TOTAL NIRVANA to him…  I was pouring water into the coffeemaker this morning, which he managed to find infinitely amusing, by imitating thehappy blissful look on my face as I poured… He said, Mum, why don’t you just dump it in there? I said Son, I pour slowly because past experience has shown that if you pour any faster than what the geometric structure of the coffee pot lip allows, you will without exception pour water all up and over the back of the unit down onto the counter below. Also, I forgot to add this part, but I remembered it later, water will also wash into the filter area and splash the dry coffee grounds up and over the paper filter, down INTO the plastic filter holder thingie, and from there the grounds will be washed down into the pot during brewing. Disgusting.

He said, Mum, you experiment about everything, you’re NOT a scientist. He said, you think you’re a puppy scientist, you let them out to pee for 2 minutes, then you feed them their breakkies, and then you immediately put them out to poop for exactly 3 minutes. It was beautiful when he said this, because right at the exact moment he was saying the word “poop”, here comes both Poppy and Boo to the door, wanting to come  in after completing their 3 minute after-breakkies POOP in the yard! I said thank you, Puppies, for proving my hypothesis. Well, it’s not just  my hypothesis, it’s actually a known thingie, and it has a scientific name, but I can’t find it right now, all I get when I google “Dogs pooping immediately after eating” is a bunch of references to “coprophagia” which means “eating poop”, “copro” meaning poop, and “phagia” meaning “eat,” …

And then the Boy said, Mum, you’re probably going to write on your little journal about your little dog-poo experiments, and then he imitated me with a blissful look on my face tapping away on a keyboard, and I said maybe I will. And he said, you will not…


Adventures in Microchips


I wake to find a tiny red tutu on the coffee table… and I vaguely, sleepily remember the girls coming in late last night from their jaunt to the mall… dangling Boo in front of me… Boo with silly red tutu… poor Boo… and then ZZZzzzzzzzzz… The Boy and I had spent the evening belly laughing, catching up on our current fave, Modern Family.  Just want to document that, because it was so much fun to laugh at the same things, and to see him processing, actually “getting” some of the more ornery jokes. It’s like there’s a little “delay” where he doesn’t quite get it, and then KABOING, it passes over his face, he gets it, and he laughs! I love it.

Okay, today in this very entry, I will pass judgment on someone.  Hey, wait, there’s no “e” in “judgement”?!! That just looks wrong… Are we sure?…

My kids say I’m judgmental. And negative. And what did The Boy say the other day, he said I was a pessimist, and then he amended it and said I was a “bessimist” which means I will say something is cool, but I will always have to add some sort of way that it could be BETTER.

I reported that on Facebook, and my cousin told me her kids say the same thing to her, and that it’s probably a mom thing, just trying to get them to do their best, challenging them, and whatnot. It made me feel much better, and I like that idea, I’m not negative, I’m challenging you to test your limits, right?

Wow. I just spent three paragraphs setting myself up with the rights to pass judgment on someone. Well, okay then, we are covered, let’s get to the judgin’!!!

Bean and I took Poppy, Boo, and Chicken to a free rabies clinic yesterday afternoon, for shots and microchips. Here’s the link:   VIP VETCARE, it’s an awesome program, and much needed, especially in rural PA… what with all the rogue, garbage-ransacking, rabies-ridden raccoons and hissing, ghostly, bleached-out alien lookin’, bird-feeder-climbin ‘possums we got runnin’ loose around here…

I was so relieved with Bean volunteered to go with, onaccounta two dogs on leash and one Chicken in a carrier, it’s a lot to deal with, standing in line with 47000 other people and their variously behaved animals… And Boo’s a jerk sometimes, she’s afraid of everything, so she acts like a giant a-hole. (Oh my gawsh, personal insight…)  She approaches the hugest of the huge dogs, yesterday it was literally a 210 lb BULL MASTIFF, I know, because the nice owner lady (who referred to herself as “Mama” and to the dog as her “Baby, Smoochie, Pookie Poo”) told me how much he weighed and how many doggie beds he has deflated and how he likes to have a clean sheet placed on his bed each night… hmmm…. just occurred to me that I may be feeling the urge to pass judgment on more than one person in this entry…  Or maybe I’ll just continue to tell the truth, and allow you or anyone really, to draw their own conclusions. Because at first I wrote “CRAZY owner lady”, but then I amended it to say “NICE owner lady”, because she really was very nice. But she was REALLY into her 210 lb dog-baby, who was named “Tiny” which she informed me as if it were the most ironic, hilarious play on words, she actually searched my face to make sure I realized the irony of the dog’s name. I don’t mean to be…mean, she was actually very cute and bubbly and nice. I’m just saying, she was WAYYYY into that dog. And some might say, but Dawn, we’ve seen you with your dogs, and you sir are just as overthetop creepy about your dogs as that lady. And that might be a legitimate statement. I will allow it.  But my dogs really are snoochie boochie coochie cooter coooos…

So Tiny was a lovely old gentleman dog,  he was trying to say a big dopey hello to Boo, he bent down to press noses with her, she sniffed him in what seemed like a miraculously friendly little manner, and then KABOOM, she explodes into tiny electrified DEVIL DOG. I actually felt sorry for the mastiff, he looked embarrassed… Sigh… she’s fine when she gets used to another dog, but she’s gotta be such a jerk at first…

The people ahead of the bull mastiff lady, they had two dogs, one American Pitbull, and one American Mixed Lunatic dog. I don’t know what it was, it was black and white, about 80 lbs, and was dangling two of the largest testicles I’ve ever seen, and they were all over the place, those testicles, bing bing boiing, because the dog was going bananas, the guy was practically pinning the dog to the ground with the entire force and weight of his body, literally they were laying on the ground, and the guys stage-whispering in the dogs ear for all to hear,  Come on Chopper, come on Killer, look how all the other dogs are behaving and look at you, you are embarrassing me… He’s trying to reason with this frantic ball of energy, I forget the dog’s name… The lady, wearing purple leopard print pajama pants and a purple shirt with a hole in the middle of the back, not judging, just want to provide a visual,  was holding the pitbull, who was behaving very well. Or was the hole in the front of her shirt… Immaterial…  But the people were both very friendly and clearly were struggling to contain the dog… I couldn’t help fixating on those giant bouncing testicles and thinking, surely even the DOG would be relieved to part with those things…

Others in line had cats in carriers, various and assorted dogs on leashes, and some had scooped up and were carrying their little Yorkies, Borkies,  Snorkies, Boggles, Boogles, and Beegles in their arms. Especially when the two gigantic unleashed unattended German Shepherds started to froth at the mouth and threaten to jump out of the back of the pickup truck in which their ridiculous owner had parked and left them while she ran into the friggin Tractor Supply store to shop. That’s when people decided to pick up their little dogs and hold them in their arms, and that’s also when we get down to the real JUDGIN’!

Someone has a pickup truck parked right alongside the line for the mobile vet clinic. Two German Shepherds are in the truck bed, and these were big ‘uns, beautiful dogs, big.. and excitable… they were pacing, and climbing the sides of the truck, up, down, back, forth, and  where’s the owner… I didn’t realize it at first, I assumed the owner was standing in line for the vet, maybe acting as a placeholder till the dogs needed brought down at the last minute… It’s actually a good idea, especially for me with my stinky reactive little Boo…  I’m assuming everyone who walked up to join the line after me made the same assumption, that the owner was somewhere amongst us.. Because the alternative would be ridiculous, wouldn’t it?

That’s when another dog strolled up to join the line, it looked like a brown kinda shepherd-retreiver mix, with short hair, and for some reason this dog set the Pickup Truck Shepherds OFF, they started scrambling, thrashing about, threatening to climb up and over that bed, they wanted that new dog in a bad way… And tension filled the air, and the people SCOOPED up the little dogs, including me, I held Boo, and Bean moved Poppy out of sight of the Shepherds, and scooted Chicken’s carrier up near the store… people looked around and started asking each other, ummm.. where’s the owner… ummm.. are those dog’s loose… ummm.. what the sam-hill kinda bone-headed thing is this…

Suddenly something happens, who knows what, the dog world is very fast-pasted and can go from zero to sixty in a split second, but something ignites the Shepherds, and the largest one climbs the roof of the cab, and falls dramatically and in slow painful motion THRU THE SUNROOF, so now he’s freaking out INSIDE the truck, the other one’s still outside the truck, the crowd GASPS at this new development (there’s no “e” in “development” either, which is ridiculous, because there’s an e in envelope. well, actually, there are 3 e’s in development, but I feel there is room for 4), and still, we all just sorta stand there like lemmings, clutching our precious little babies, waiting for a couple hundred lb german shepherds to quit goofing around and finally descend upon us, but by God we will not give up our place in this line!

The nice clinic lady, who was working the line, uploading our info into her ipad… she goes looking for the owner, into the store, and a few very tense minutes later, out comes a harried and peeved looking lady, she was big-busted and red-faced, she was hard looking, a real pickup drivin’ Tractor Supply shoppin’ woman… She comes out looking like WHAT THE HELL I’M TRYING TO SHOP HERE… and she gets the dogs back in the truck bed, and maybe she ties them, I have no idea, but they’re in the bed, and she walks BACK INTO THE STORE, and as she’s walking back in, she looks back at the shepherds and she lifts her one arm and makes a “STAY DOWN” motion with it, while scowling at the dogs in stern Imeanbusiness manner. She must think she has done her duty, because back in the store she goes. I should’ve made a citizen’s arrest on grounds of stupidity.

But the tension seemed to dissipate then, and we got moved up to do our paperwork at the register. I don’t know. It made no sense at all. I can think of dumber things people do. But not many.

Here’s what I learned and can pass along to others and also wish to remember for next time:

  1. Take all small animals in a crate. Even if you have a well-behaved little dog on a leash.  For their own protection. Because you don’t know who or what you will be standing next to in line. Or when some idiot might pull up and park their truck with two giant unleashed German Shepherds in the back. Or when YOU might be the idiot with the reactive little Napoleon dog…  Also, people are there to get  animal vaccines, so you have no idea, NONE, what shots they’ve had previously, if any. Or what they’ve been bitten by or exposed to. It’s actually kinda a dangerous place, this isn’t a dog show where all the poochies are well-trained and lovely… There were ALL KINDS of people and all kinds of dogs there, and I was being very very measured in my judging and descriptions, because I’m trying to be a kinder gentler me, it’s hard, because there were some real characters there, and I’m not sure how long I can pretend to be a nice person, I’m really snide and rotten and wanted so badly to tell you that the guy with the dog with the testicles, he had one tooth in his head, I wanted to say that, but I don’t like to make fun of people’s teeth… and he was a friendly enough guy.. so forget I said that, but remember this part: it’s not like going to a vet’s office, it’s outdoors and it’s got a kinda wild-west-like vibe…
  2. Since this was an actual “Mobile Vet Clinic,” and not just a “Rabies Clinic”, you should be able to relax and breathe when it’s your turn with the doctor. I felt like I had to rush and move quickly, almost apologetic for having 3 animals there… But that shouldn’t be the case, I should’ve asked questions and taken my time a little bit, because the line moved quickly enough, it wasn’t a horrible wait… And I was having some pretty intense procedures on my little dogs, that microchip is friggin’ painful. The vets were very nice, I thought. I wish I had been calmer, at least for the dogs’ sakes. And I wish I had asked about what other shots my dogs and cat might benefit from, I had their shot records right there with me! But there’s always next week…
  3. Take water. It’s hot in the parking lot, and stressful. There’s a lot of panting going on.
  4. Don’t feed your dog treats in line. I was giving my dogs bits from my leftover chicken wrap, in an effort to divert Boo’s attention from being a reactive little a-hole… But now that I look back on it, maybe not such a good idea, because it might’ve been distracting to the other dogs. Plus, it didn’t work. She was still a turd.
  5. There is no #5, I only learned 4 things.
  6. Wait, no, I got one. The microchip thing hurt my dogs. I almost threw up. But I’m glad it’s done, it’s for their safety, and I’m sure  the nausea will go away in a few days. Mine. My nausea. The dogs are fine.

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World’s Least Excited Lobster and Chicken

Unnecessary cruelty.  Poppy looks like she’s being strangled by a deflated Foghorn Leghorn. I bought these costumes this time last year, but it wasn’t a good time… This year is better. It’s a better time to do THIS to your dogs.

These dogs… bring laughter and ridiculousness to this house. Worth every turd on the tile.