… she's not coming down 'til it all makes sense again…

Tax Returns I Have Known



a recent visit to website… has stirred up some WILD HAIR type memory up deeeeep from the unfathomable realms of my dark dark dearly departed divorce debacle… (alliteration: I haz it) Oh my… because once upon a time… I thought I was divorced SO MUCH, I thought I had moved on… I think I was remarried at the time… and then he signed his parental rights away, and my new husband, my current husband, my GOOD husband, who was raising them as his own, and may have already by that time have started adoption proceedings… whatever, but I tried to file taxes “married filing joint” with my new husband.. LIKE YA DO… And the IRS said, oh no no no no nooooooooooo, you can’t file taxes with the good husband, because the big mistake husband (he was a real BM) has filed a joint return WITH YOU for that same year! The FUDGE?!  And they said my signature was on the form! (that was back when we sent in actual paper forms. It was back when a person would have to take actual pen to actual paper to FORGE ANOTHER PERSON’S NAME.. sigh… but he done it. He done THAT.

It’s a violation, and it’s infuriating, and I remember the fury… that he had the audacity to claim ME, my NAME, and my children, and he hadn’t sent one thin dime of child support that year… what made him think he could just DO that… well, he did a lot of things he just felt like doing.

And I know I’m supposed to be all zen and all grateful and all closured up and moved on and did much better the second time around… I know that.. But sometimes it sniggles back in, the little indignities, and some of the HUGE indignities he perpetrated against me. Against my name. Against my kids.

Do you know what it’s like to be right. To be so right when two children are involved, and to have to battle someone so maddeningly (is that a word?) awful, so WRONG, so careless, so unscrupulous, so unfair, so ugly…

Why did that happen. ANd why do my kids still feel the fallout from that? Why do they have to carry this… hole… how can they ever understand that it wasn’t because they were unwanted by him or unwantable. There was nothing wrong with them, but they’re left with that question, how could you give your kids up like that… he just didn’t have the capacity to carry through.. He wrote a LOT of rubber checks

I’m real sorry that he had a crappy childhood. I’m real sorry that his dad made it known that he didn’t want a fourth child. I’m REAL sorry for that little kid that he was at one point… but my kids are paying the price.

They don’t ask about it much. And they don’t say anything about having a hole… But you know how kids think… and how they process.. and you know they’ve asked that unaskable question…

…and so I breathe and I stretch… and I try to let it go again… it’s in the past. I’ve enjoyed my little pity party here today, getting all good and fired up again at the indignity of it all… all the things.. I breathe some more and I try to let it go… keep my kids moving along… filling that hole, hopefully, with friends and family and better times…


2 thoughts on “Tax Returns I Have Known

  1. Some things you just don’t get over. You may forgive but you never forget ~ especially when it involves your children. I’m sorry about what happened many years ago but look where you are now….good husband, great children and love in your family.

  2. well I think you’re right, Terri, and I know I haven’t forgotten, and I haven’t forgiven either. I’m still carrying it. Needs work…

And what about Naomi?

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