… she's not coming down 'til it all makes sense again…

I just don’t care who reads this, I’m so tired of it


Hurtin’ today, went to the gym and ran on treadmill, because I think I’m a runner now, oh holy mama pajama I’m delusional, but I love my little pink cloud, I really do. anyways, so I know I shouldn’t do the same exercise 2 days in a row, and I didn’t even plan to go to the gym, but I showed up to volunteer at the master gardener project by the mall, and no one was there, not sure where I crossed my wires, but I double checked by email before I went!!! ARRRGHHHH!!!! perpetually misinformed!!! So when life hands you misinformed day-late-and-dollar-short LEMONS… and when you’ve already driven the 7 miles to the mall area… and when you have your gym bag in the car… well, you make GYM LEMONADE, right? with dirty gym clothes, yes, they were dirty and rumpled, but I put ’em on anyways and decided to at least get in a little exercizin’…

Didn’t push it, walked 5, ran 15, walked 10, and left. meh… I’m hurting, but it’s the good kinda hurt, means I did something. I’m walking like a 90yr old granny, but that’s okay.

yesterday, okay, Hubs worked a double, and then went yardsailing and then went fishing.. on ZERO SLEEP!  that’s fine with me, I’ve given up on worrying about him, he does his thing, I did my thing, and he made it home, whatever… I was fine, I was making a nice dinner…he comes home and he’s dragging, but he insists I’m going to drop what I’m doing and we’re going to drive my precious little green car to the DUMP with a big gangly STOOPID trailer load of garbage on the back (he loaded it last week, cleaning out behind his shed). UMMMM…NO!! I’ve already had a nice big day, yardsailing with FRanki, working out, cleaning and sorting, and playing Sorry with Zack and Cass.. I’m ready to cook and settle in for the day… He never mentioned taking a load to the dump! But he gets this mindset- when he works a double, he gets in his head that he has to cram a whole weekend into the remaining 1.25 days… He was a shell of a person too! His eyes were half shut, he’s slumped in the chair, he smells of FISH AND WORMS, he didn’t even wash up for dinner, I was cooking and he walked in with fish guts on his shirt and stuck his filthy fishy F%$#ing fingers in my FACE and said “SMELL!” ohmygod all my powers of zen and mindfulness, I summoned every ounce I had not to do bodily harm to his filthy rude fingers… I breeeeathed, and  asked him to wash up, he walks over to the container of fresh strawberries, sticks his stinking grungy paws in OUR FOOD and grabs a bunch of berries!! I said, um, that is our FOOD, would you please wash up… he gets all annoyed like I’m being ridiculous, and I swear to God, I was like a grenade with the pin pulled, I was VIBRATING with rage, and still, I was keeping my sh*t together..

I am proud of myself, in retrospect… but at the time, oh the murderous thoughts… It wasn’t just the strawberries, and the rude behavior, you know, he’s sitting on the silky damask chair covers I made, in his stupid fish pants, and he’s clomping around pressing every button he knows I have, when he’s tired he gets so friggin’ crappy to me, puts on a show for the kids, let’s irritate Mom… har har, ain’t I cute, ain’t I the funny carefree Dad person…

I say “You’re tired, your eyes are pinholes, you’re slurring.. lie down for a bit, and then get up and we’ll go to a movie or something”.. “No”, he says, “I gotta get some stuff done, I don’t wanna waste my weekend”  I say, “you’re HAVING your weekend, you went yardsailing and fishing already, that’s what you’re SUPPOSED to do on the weekend, you work hard, you need to do that stuff” (see how I’m still being supportive and… friggin’ WIFEY.. whatever…) He clomps down on the diningroom chair, picks up a piece of newspaper, and within literally 3 minutes, he’s sleeping sitting up, his head falls forward, and DROOL RUNS FROM HIS MOUTH TO MY SILKY DAMASK CHAIR COVERARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!! The kids laugh. They say, DAD! YOU’RE DROOLING!! He snaps to attention, wipes his mouth, and DENIES IT!!! ohmygod, add denial to the thing I’m sitting there WATCHING WITH MY OWN EYES AND 3 WITNESSES!!!!

he’s dangerous in that state. He gets hurt. He breaks and destroys stuff around the house. At one point, I was keeping a LOG of how many times he TRIPPED AND FELL OVER STUFF. Because it was a pattern, it was happening every week! He tried to fix the chain on an old chainsaw one day in that condition, and he had cuts and gashes ALL OVER his hands and legs, completely oblivious! One day he pulled out a Sawzall, and cut a giant GAPING JAGGED RIDICULOUS piece off the top of the man-door in the garage, so it would clear the track the installers put in for the new garage doors. We had a friggin WIND TUNNEL running between garages then, sucking our heating oil out into the troposphere!! OBLIVIOUS!! Because he “gotta get stuff done”.. Yeah. You’re gonna drive a vehicle like that. With a trailer on the back. It’s just wrong, it’s almost like drunk driving. I’m real tired of this particular fight.

I’m talking to him today, and I’m laying it down. If he thinks he wants to “get stuff done” AND work doubles, well, he’s gonna have to make his agenda known beforehand, and make a plan and a schedule that makes sense and IS SAFE and also takes into consideration what the REST OF THE FAMILY is doing. There are 5 people in this house, going and doing and being…

Praying for peace in my heart, the strength to hold my temper, the right words to come to reach agreement and harmony… God, I’m putting my pin back in, I’m not gonna explode this time…

Addendum: okay, so I got up and did dishes and made coffee and did my kettlebells dvd and brushed out my little horse and picked the mud outta her hooves and told her all my problems and tied her out to eat the new spring grass that’s been going CRAZY with all the rain… I made perogies and onions for Franki’s breakfast, because she’s not feeling well and that’s what she wanted…  He finally gets up after sleeping 19 hours straight.. I didn’t do my little passive aggressive thing, I let him hug me, and I even gave him a plate of perogies, and they were NICE perogies, not perogies made with resentment… and we talked about Chem-Lawn and the grub problem we have out there, and now he’s cleaning out his car and “having his weekend”.. He wants me to go to Lowes with him and look at chemicals, and he probably wants to go to the gym… He’s such a pain, but I love him. He’s still getting a talking-to later today…

Addendum to the addendum:  We took my car and went to Lowe’s together, I was driving, so he was kinda at my mercy. We talked in the parking lot, he didn’t remember falling asleep at the table, he didn’t remember the strawberry conversation or the Fish Finger Fiasco. I said, Hon, sometimes you are a giant TURD. He said I’m sorry, I don’t wanna be a turd. I said, well I’m gonna have you a shirt made, special order, it’s gonna say “SUPER TURD” on the front, and if you wake up wearing it, you’ll know… apologies are in order. For that is how I solve problems, with novelty T-shirts. So now we’re in love again.


2 thoughts on “I just don’t care who reads this, I’m so tired of it

  1. There’s just no talking to a man when he is exhausted because suddenly E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. is your fault and if you weren’t such a biotch and treat him like a child…he would be just fine! Right? Yeah, I’ve been there and heard that. Maybe take a video of him when he falls asleep like that. Hope you can have a talk with him when he is more rational. I know he is working to support his family but he is also cheating himself and the rest of you from enjoying his company. Good luck.

  2. Exaaaactly, Terri T, there’s no communicating at that point, and I’m so tired of being the bad guy, like I’m super-sensitive or something! I’m not that any more.. maybe at one time I was, well, yeah, definitely at one time I was… but I’m learning to approach things differently now, that’s what they say, “insanity- doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result” I’m much more SANE these days…

And what about Naomi?

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