momzonroof

… she's not coming down 'til it all makes sense again…

God already done blessed me

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I gotta go to the Army of Salvation today, it’s on my Wednesday Spy Route (channeling Harriet these days…), and it’s half-off day… I also have a  mammo-G appointment bright n early 7:30am, great start to my day, then to the gym, then Salvation Armys, and just to top it off, a gyno appointment at 4.  

Here’s how I fully expect my day to go, based on past experiences, and why do I have to pre-plan how my day is going to go, I don’t know, I can’t sleep..:

Mammogram appointment at the Women’s Center. It’s nice there. and pink. everything is nice and pink, and womanly.. oh the lovely friendly mammogramologist.. she’s always so NICE, and the pat pat, prod, prod, reposition, and SQUIIIIIISH, DON’T LOOK DOWN FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, do not glance down during the SQUISHING!!! Also, please remember to shave.

Gym: I’m doing treadmill tomorrow. An hour. Nobody cares about this part except me. Uphill at #12 incline. 3mph. That’s fast. No holding onto the handles either. that’s the closest I can get to jogging on the treadmill. Major phobia about jogging or running. If I conquer that one some day, I can pretty much do anything. What am I afraid of… falling on face? yes. getting stuck pinned against wall and spinning treadmill, spinning, spinning, helplessly spinning, like the dead bloated cow that was caught for WEEKS, churning in the waterfall, as my bus passed by every day for school.. I don’t wanna be that cow…

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It was a waterfall that looked much like this one, EXACTLY like this one, except for it wasn’t quite so picturesque and architectural and ancient moss-covered tree-like… it was more industrial and gray and ugly and WarrenOhio-like, and plus at the bottom, in the churning water below, there was a dead cow, spinning, first you see the back and then the four stiff legs flop around, then the back, then legs, spinning, churning, stuck for what seemed like weeks, maybe months… time stands still when you’re watching a dead cow churn… so you see why I don’t jog on the treadmill…

Salvation Army: I like this part of the day. It’s supposed to be my zen time, shuffling up and down the aisles, looking for  treasures, J.Jill… Ann Taylor.. LLBean… ugh… those are my labels now… yawn… boring, but quality construction and fabric.. If I’m in a “good place” it’s a zen experience… but if I’m not, (more often than not) oh holy mamma, don’t get in my way, and don’t push your cart in front of my cart’s TRAJECTORY, if I am in an aisle, IT IS MY AISLE, you can either pick a different aisle or go around and start up the aisle BEHIND ME, do not pull in front of me, why do I have to explain this to people… this is not something I’m proud of, this “aisle rage”, but it is what it is, the aisles are ONE-WAY, they are not wide enough for passing or parking in front of short, angry, ineffective, passive-aggressive Napoleonic-complexed people like myself.

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And the nice cashier who works every Wednesday, and thinks it’s her job to “bless” everyone as they complete their transaction “Here’s your change, BLESS YOU, and have a nice day!” … sigh… Call me evil, but please, honey, I do not wish to be blessed at a cash register. If I want blessed I go to church and stand before the pastor and ask for a blessing. If I want blessed, I sneeze, and I get blessed. That’s okay. That’s where you can bless me, if you’re a pastor and I A’Xed you for a blessing, or if I sneeze. Otherwise, it’s intrusive and irritating. She used to say “Here’s your change, and have a blessed day!”, and that was somehow okay.. But for whatever reason she’s recently promoted herself to Preacher… ugh… God bless her heart, and I really do mean that, she’s trying to do a nice thing… but it gets under my skin.

ImageYer not the pope.

Gyno exam: I’ll skip the obvious, but here’s what I get to look at when I lie back on the table, feet in stirrups, wind whistling across… the … prairie…:

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ImageThis being the EXACT poster that’s thumb-tacked to the water-stained-drop-ceiling tiles in my gyno’s office, for as long as I can remember, well, probably been going here 19 years… I forget what the tag-line is on the poster, but it’s so traumatizing to stare at it, while in such a vulnerable position… that I find myself counting the patterned holes in the ceiling tiles… by  my calculations, there are 2456 holes in that ceiling. That’s if you get Exam Room A. If you get Exam Room B, you get to lie back and look at something like this:

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ImageI can’t find the actual poster right now, but it’s a peeling banana. I won’t struggle to find the words about how …. wrong… how unfortunate…..it is to find this on a gyno office ceiling, directly over the exam table. I don’t need to expound upon that. I find myself hoping I get Exam Room A with the bloody spaghetti head…

Well, here it is, 6am, time to start my day, I get to iron a little-man shirt for the Boy, he’s got mock-trial today in Civics class, and has to dress up. Know when he informed me of this, that he needs dress pants and dress shirt and tie, within the next half hour before he shoots out the door for the bus? 2 minutes ago. I am so blessed. Truly.

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2 thoughts on “God already done blessed me

  1. Hope all the gyno appointments went well and that you scored BIG TIME at the Army of Salvation. I also don’t like people getting ahead of me in aisles like that because they might find the treasure that I have searched for all my life. Same with the library…don’t look at the books on my shelf….I might be wanting that very book that you snatch right before my eyes.

  2. LOL! YOU really are, absolutely, beyond average plus, intensely & delightfully so….Blessed!

And what about Naomi?

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