… she's not coming down 'til it all makes sense again…

2:27AM State of the Union


I’m documenting this for my own amusement, BEmusement, befuddlement, amazement… whatever I am at this moment, I am all of those. And in the future, when I look back on this time… what the… crap, I don’t know… I probably won’t understand it any better then either.

I gotta say this, I am really enjoying the italics button today. Usually I just sorta CAPITALIZE whatever I want to EMPATHIZE, and it ends up looking like I’M SHOUTING stuff. Every once in a while I remember the italics button, and then I misuse and overuse it for a while…

Every night I do this thing. I fold 42 comforters in half, and stack them on the floor in the livingroom. This is a hardwood floor, maple in fact,  or most likely, I think it’s maple, I am the Queen of Commas, how many commas can I use in what I call a “sentence,” the possibilities are endless, so it’s especially hard wood, with one thin little cheap little area rug on top.  I don’t even think it’s a wool rug. No padding.

Oh yeah, this flooring is definitely of the light blue species. Oh my gosh, I’m going to quote this article, mostly because  Brian will enjoy this, THIS is how you might, I say, MIGHT, be able to ascertain whether you have a piece of hard maple vs what they call “soft” maple:

“Simply weigh the wood in question, and then carefully measure all dimensions to find its total volume. Remember, Volume equals Length x Width x Height: (V = L x W x H).

Let’s say we have a piece of maple that is 24 inches long, 8 inches wide, and 3/4 inches thick. This means that the total volume is 144 cubic inches, since 24 x 8 x 3/4 = 144.

Next, we’ll assume we’ve weighed the board, and found that it weighs 3 pounds, 8.0 ounces (or 3.5 pounds). So our board’s density is 3.5 pounds per 144 cubic inches. The only problem is that we need to convert our measurements to the units that we are trying to find in the chart above: pounds per cubic foot.

There are 1728 cubic inches in a cubic foot, (12 x 12 x 12), so to find our multiplier, we divide the 1728 cubic inches by the 144 cubic inches of our board, and get a multiplier of 12. (Most measurements won’t come out to a perfectly even number, but I chose a board with easy dimensions to make it a little simpler to calculate.)

So to convert our board from 3.5 pounds per 144 cubic inches to pounds per cubic foot, we simply multiply both sides by the multiplier we found in our previous step: in this case, it’s 12. So multiplying things out, we find that our board is 42 pounds per 1728 cubic inches (or one cubic foot). Taking this calculation (42 pcf), and looking at the table above, it would appear that in all likelihood, this board is indeed Hard Maple.”

All that, and you’re still using terms like “it would appear that in all likelihood, this board is indeed hard maple”?!?  Man, once I go to the trouble to use two or three conversion factors, I want something a little more concrete than in all likelihood

My floor is hard. So 42 comforters on top of a thin rug, it’s still not even very comfy. But I do this every night. I have a super lovely, super dooper cozy “new” bedroom downstairs, with plushy plush carpet, and glowy warm lamp lights,  fluffy overstuffed mattress,  78 pillows of the finest downy feather,  that’s an exaggeration  but there are many pillows, some are feather, but all are soft and fluffy.., the finest Italian cotton sheets so soft if you touch them you may cry real tears or you may emit some strange involuntary purring noise, and I mention that they are Italian and made by Mirabello, mostly because I am enjoying my newly acquired linky-linky making skillz… but also because these sheets are THE BOMB, and I would never have an opportunity to own something so nice and so genuinely pridefully Italian and upscale, but I found two sets of these sheets at the Army of Salvation for $8 each.  What caught my eye was the pattern, which I can’t find a pic on this whole blasted internet, but it looks something like this, only softer and somehow more ridiculously beautiful than even these dogwoods blooming in Jamaica:

photo by kindra clineff, offered for sale in print form

I got it bad for the linens, ya’ll. It’s a real problem, and may at some point in the future require an intervention. I have the linen closet jammed so full of curtains and table cloths and sheets and duvets and PILLOW CASES, what is with me and the pillow cases?! I have every crappy pillow case I’ve ever owned, from even wayyy back when I didn’t know cotton from percale from pima…  plus I probably buy 3 or 4 more every month. If it’s soft and cool to the touch, quality construction, vintage, and some awesome color or pattern, I gotta have it. And I tell myself lies about it too, I say, “I will definitely sell this thing on ebay” but that is a lie, I will never let it go, they will wrench it from my cold dead skeleton hands, and that is finally the truth.

Also, did you know that a higher threadcount does NOT necessarily denote a softer, more desirable linen piece? Did you know that there are THREADCOUNT MANIPULATORS out there, that some smarmy manufacturers will actually MANIPULATE some sort of variables in the calculations of threadcounts, so that some 1000-count sheets that cost literally $900 a set  will be less soft, less quality than a lowly 400 tc set from Kohls for example… Oh yeah, it’s a murky underworld out there, you gotta know your stuff…

I just remembered something, when I was standing in the long line at checkout at the army of salvation, and I had those two sets of gorgeous gorgeous sheets billowing up and out of the buggy, oh the color, oh the soft…  And the woman in front of me, she turns around and the color catches her eye, but then she sniffs and says, “Ewwwwww.. you buy BEDDING here?” like it was really a gross thing to do, and I suppose it could be, you could buy bedding that had lived a former life in a really gross place, that’s true, and how would you know…  You wouldn’t. Maybe she’s right, maybe it’s gross. But most things down there still smell clean and detergenty, I haven’t run into anything gross yet in the linens department… I just can’t talk about the Big and Tall Men’s Tshirt department though…  Anyways, you take it home and wash it. Maybe it is gross. I don’t know.  But this woman in front of me, after she said that, I said, oh no, I’ve never run into anything yucky here, and these are ITALIAN cotton sheets, oh my gosh you should FEEL THEM! So she reaches over and she feels them and her face lights up, and I swear she had a little tear in her eye and she actually PURRED, and she said Ooooooo those ARE soft and OH THE COLOR…  She couldn’t take her eyes or her hands off them, until it started to make me a little nervous like I was gonna have to fight her for them…

She did release them, and I did take them home and wash them and did NOT sell them on Ebay,  instead crammed and jammed one set into my linen closet,  put the other set on my bed, stood back, admired the glorious dogwood and the pale, soft blue… sniff… and then mournfully turned out the warm glowey lamplight, and shut the door to my comfy cozy bedroom…

Because here is why: My stinking dogs still have the NERVE to have fleas, and I know I haven’t written Chapter 3 and 4 yet, My Life with Fleas, sadly, there is more…  But I can’t sleep down in my lovely warm room in my soft sheets and fluffy pillows, because my dogs have to sleep on my chest and my knees, they have to both be under the covers, it never makes sense, how can they breathe under a heavy comforter, especially Poppy, with her puggy-type nose with the snorting and snuffling and  breathing issues, it makes no sense, but that’s how they sleep, and I know it’s a Boston thing, because other Bostons do it, and I know Cesar Milan would say I’m confusing them or something, because they should  be in a dog bed, but Cesar Milan does not have a boston terrier, that I know of, and he’s never slept with Poppy’s velvety muzzle resting in that little place between your ankle and your heel, or Boo’s little tiny round head snuffled into that little place between your shoulder and your collar bone… but I really enjoyed the Cesar Millan Eckhart Tolle meet-up, what a cool vibe they had going, and at 7:35ish, such an amazing moment…

The kids put on the movie “Stand By Me,” and I wish for the 1950’s again. Even though I was an unfertilized ovum at the time… And even though the movie was a bunch of kids, cussin’ and smokin’ and firing guns and bullying each other and scratching prison-style tattoos into their flesh and getting hit by trains and staring puffy-faced into eternity, and parents verbally and emotionally abusing one son after the death of another, and River Phoenix there with his fresh face  and his clear gray eyes, before he got so messed up.. by what… by too much money, crappy childhood, what?

Afterwards, we had a frolicking fun slightly definitely morbid discussion on why, or HOW, how does it happen, that people get hit by trains?   If the person isn’t drunk or high, really, can a person be so distracted that he doesn’t hear or FEEL the oncoming train? And what is the last thing the conductor sees, before he bears down, terribly reluctantly and unstoppably, on a WHOLE PERSON?

And then we talked about abject stupidity. And frying pans and brass symbols and giant rubber mallets and other cartoony ways to take care of people who are, well, stupid enough to get hit by trains.  No offense to people who have gotten hit by trains, I’m sure they’re not stupid, I’m sure there were circumstances and what-not…  Later, I googled it, of course, “How can people manage to get hit by trains,” and one thing that made a tiny bit of sense was this: if there are actually TWO trains, and the person gets past one, and thinks he’s in the clear, and then gets wiped out by the second one. That, I can see happening…

So the whole movie made me sad, but then my kids made me laugh, and I just wanted to remember that, Mancub scratching his chin and pondering the abyss while the train and wildly gesticulating conductor come bearing down… and Adventurecroft wielding the frying pan, CLOIIIIIINNNNGGGGGGG!!! Thankfully, my kids  have been well-schooled in Looney Tunes/Sylvester/Daffy Duck cartoon retribution, and other important values.


5 thoughts on “2:27AM State of the Union

  1. You are brilliant!

  2. I hate to point this out at such a late date, but the chart doesn’t go with the equations! I mean – I followed the density equations & conversions & all the hoopla just fine (like it was my JOB or something), but the picture didn’t match and it confused my inner (and outer) geek.

    So I looked it up (like it’s my JOB!). It indeed looks like the sample works out to be Sugar Maple, which is a really, really hard maple. But holy smokes it was a long way to go to find out why you’re sufferin’ with sleeping on that floor. I have SO missed that train of free association.

    • LMAO, good ol’ Brian…You are my favorite geek, my geek prototype, all other geeks pale by comparison… harrr… thanks for reading my thought trains! I think I’m about to unleash another one…

  3. Finally found my way here – always fun to read what you are up to (or which floor you may be sleeping on – lol)

And what about Naomi?

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